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Sometimes he feels faintly feverish; the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes his legs buckle from sudden stabbing pain, and sometimes his back spasms. But he hasn't been laid up from the lyrium withdrawal like he was when he decreased his dose too quickly and holed up in Milliways until he could function again.

The lack of sleep's beginning to get to him, though, or something is. It's harder and harder to control his reactions to things, to keep his mind from lingering too long in dark places. As far as he can tell from what he's read, that's normal for this process.

What's worst are the nightmares. He'd thought he slept poorly before. Now -- now there's a vividness, a depth to what he sees in the Fade that he hasn't felt since they sent him away from Kinloch, shortly after the Circle fell, to "level out." That's what they called it when they called him 'snappish,' when they accused him of 'jumping at shadows.'

Cullen's taken to keeping a separate basin in his room for those occasions when he wakes and is then sick shortly thereafter.

The third consecutive night this happens, he rinses his mouth, sits on the edge of his bed, and presses the heels of his hands hard into his eyes. It would be easier to forget this mad plan, to take the lyrium and damn the consequences. Those who live by the sword frequently die by it; he was never too likely to have a long life, and if the Chantry (not to mention all of Thedas) continues this slide into dysfunctional madness, any Inquisition won't serve his lifespan better than the Templar Order. Wouldn't it be better, a voice within him whispers, to be able to leash magic to his full potential? To know he was as powerful as is possible? Doesn't he want to forget everything he's seen, anyhow?

At his feet, Ci whines, and presses herself against his leg.

Cullen breathes out, ruffles her ear with one hand, and wipes the wetness from his eyes with the other.

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JJ: Ysa?
JJ: Are you there?

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Cullen resolves in this moment to never tell Ysa (though why would he?) about his recent experiences with fraternization.

JJ: Little of this, little of that.
JJ: Brandy, mostly. We prefer spirits. More efficient.
JJ: Having tried dwarven ale, I recommend literally anything else.

(Ysalwen would be pleased for him and never tease him at all)

(Seriously.)

CAI: Patrols in the Deep Roads
CAI: And occasional long encounters with the Legion of the Dead
CAI: Mean that dwarven spirits are often the easiest to obtain
CAI: It is the greatest trial of being a Warden

This is a lie. But metaphorically it is totally the worst thing.

CAI: Brandy, is it?
CAI: I will keep that in mind

Edited 2016-06-04 03:13 (UTC)

JJ: West Hill puts out a fine product, if you can get your hands on any of it.

Cullen leans his head against the wall, sighing quietly.

JJ: Shame I don't keep any in my quarters, come to think of it.

He trusts himself not to overindulge; that's not the problem. Just that he's not sure he could keep it down, and that's a waste of perfectly good liquor.

CAI: I will most definitely remember that
CAI: West Hill

She drops her hand down to rest against Liranan's head, scratching in between his ears.

It's comforting.

CAI: You haven't befriended any servants or kitchen helpers?
CAI: Or the butler, I suppose
CAI: Or whoever is in charge of stocking said spirits?
CAI: Because I'm sure they would help you find some
CAI: If you wanted
CAI: I would, but that is an incredibly difficult feat just now
CAI: So.

JJ: It's not that. I know where to get it if I want it.
JJ: Although it's true that we're not supposed to have much in the way of opulence or ostentation.
JJ: The knight-captain making a formal request for a particular brandy from Ferelden qualifies.

He can't imagine that changing under any Inquisition that Cassandra Pentaghast runs. He can't say he cares too much, either.

CAI: What is it then?
CAI: Besides not wanting to put anyone out
CAI: And maintaining the tenets of your order?

He blows out a sharp breath.

The benefit of distance, he supposes, is that he won't have to... see her expression. Or deal with -- whatever solution she tries to throw at him. Or sit through a speech that -- however genuinely well-intentioned -- ignores the fundamental complexities of his situation (and, to be fair, Cullen is shit at conveying them in casual conversation).

JJ: Dreams are worse without the lyrium.
JJ: Wake up from something worse than usual just to be sick. Third night running. Tired of it.
JJ: Waste of good brandy.

In for a copper, in for a sovereign.

JJ: Occurred to me it would be easier just to forget all this and take the damned stuff.
JJ: Decided to see if you were awake instead.

Well, that was . . .

Unexpected.

Um.

CAI: I'm almost always awake, these days.
CAI: I'm glad you talked to me.
CAI: Do you know people actually think talking about nightmares makes them better?
CAI: I call bullshit.

JJ: You will note I did not describe them.
JJ: I acknowledged that they exist.

Which, at least for Cullen, is a step forward.

JJ: I prefer the distraction of meaningful work. Or worthy conversation.

CAI: Same
CAI: Which some people might find surprising, I suppose
CAI: But here we are
CAI: I do a lot of my best research at night

See: what she's doing now.

CAI: Are we doing all right for worthiness just now?
CAI: Or is there something else that might be good to talk about?
CAI: Or interesting

Cullen considers.

One corner of his mouth turns up.

JJ: My concern about fraternization in your ranks aside --
JJ: I must admit to some prurient interest in whatever it is Dagny sees in Nathaniel.

Now is not the time to bring up how very much the Wardens are all they've got, and they're all going to die young. Or young-ish. And in those circumstances you take what happiness you can find, and hang the difficulties.

Ysalwen snickers, instead, over in her distant version of Thedas.

CAI: He's very biddable?
CAI: And maybe she likes that little tiny patch of facial hair on his chin?
CAI: And he's very sweet with babies and young children
CAI: Okay that is damning with faint praise
CAI: But I can't look at Nate that way
CAI: It makes the world feel all askew

JJ: Did I tell you I thought that thing on his face was some kind of pox at first?
JJ: I'm sure you've seen at LEAST one person with enough hair on a mole or what have you that resembles that.... thing.

CAI: He keeps it very well groomed?
CAI: I mean I assume people could keep their moles that well-trimmed
CAI: But why would they?

If she falls out of her chair with laughter, Cullen, it will be all your fault.

JJ: I assume it would have something to do with the moles of the nobility.
JJ: Did it actually touch her hand when he kissed it?

Ysalwen covers her face with her hands, just for a second.

Then, with a very pink face --

CAI: I have been told it tickles pleasantly
CAI: We shall say no more of it

Tickles... pleasantly?

Of all the things --

JJ: Fine. Next topic is yours.
JJ: Tickling is worthy of a topic change. Absolutely.

CAI: So much freedom
CAI: Whatever shall I do with it?
CAI: Um
CAI: Have you talked to anyone in Milliways whose world you might want to visit?

...no?

JJ: Alistair?
JJ: I get the impression that I wouldn't want to go visit Master Vantas in his world.
JJ: Though watching his movies has piqued my interest. Especially the one called Die Hard.
JJ: I don't know how the title relates to the story. But the story's good.

CAI: Movies?
CAI: Oh! The ones that are like plays but on a screen?
CAI: I've never seen one. Die Hard, you say?
CAI: Maybe we could watch one some time
CAI: Do you think Alistair has seen any, yet, either?

JJ: I think we should. Master Vantas provided access to hundreds, at least.
JJ: I doubt he has, because I suspect he'd never stop talking to the screen.

Cullen just has that feeling.

CAI: Would you want to rewatch this Die Hard you like best?
CAI: Or try something new?
CAI: Will we have to make Alistair promise not to talk, do you think?
CAI: Or would that be cruel and unusual torment?

Cullen considers, briefly, the increasingly implausible ways in which John McClane liberates the tower from the megalomaniac who thinks it's his right to murder whoever he pleases in order to gain power.

JJ: Yes.
JJ: Yes, I think you might like it a great deal.
JJ: You would find several familiar elements in it, I think.
JJ: We should watch it very soon.

CAI: Maybe when we're both in Milliways next?
CAI: Or all of us, if you want Alistair along and we can arrange it
CAI: I'm curious
CAI: (Don't look so surprised! Um.)

JJ: I'm shocked.
JJ: Utterly shocked.
JJ: When we see each other next, we'll watch it. Though we might want to figure out how to get the movie out of my book and onto yours. Your displays are much bigger.