howtoactfereldan | (no subject)

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Sometimes he feels faintly feverish; the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes his legs buckle from sudden stabbing pain, and sometimes his back spasms. But he hasn't been laid up from the lyrium withdrawal like he was when he decreased his dose too quickly and holed up in Milliways until he could function again.

The lack of sleep's beginning to get to him, though, or something is. It's harder and harder to control his reactions to things, to keep his mind from lingering too long in dark places. As far as he can tell from what he's read, that's normal for this process.

What's worst are the nightmares. He'd thought he slept poorly before. Now -- now there's a vividness, a depth to what he sees in the Fade that he hasn't felt since they sent him away from Kinloch, shortly after the Circle fell, to "level out." That's what they called it when they called him 'snappish,' when they accused him of 'jumping at shadows.'

Cullen's taken to keeping a separate basin in his room for those occasions when he wakes and is then sick shortly thereafter.

The third consecutive night this happens, he rinses his mouth, sits on the edge of his bed, and presses the heels of his hands hard into his eyes. It would be easier to forget this mad plan, to take the lyrium and damn the consequences. Those who live by the sword frequently die by it; he was never too likely to have a long life, and if the Chantry (not to mention all of Thedas) continues this slide into dysfunctional madness, any Inquisition won't serve his lifespan better than the Templar Order. Wouldn't it be better, a voice within him whispers, to be able to leash magic to his full potential? To know he was as powerful as is possible? Doesn't he want to forget everything he's seen, anyhow?

At his feet, Ci whines, and presses herself against his leg.

Cullen breathes out, ruffles her ear with one hand, and wipes the wetness from his eyes with the other.

jackbootJudex began trolling amaranthineIdeopraxist

JJ: Ysa?
JJ: Are you there?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ysalwen is in the middle of reading a crumbly ancient text about the Second Blight, which means it takes her a moment or two to pull herself away from ancient riddles and the decoding thereof in order to respond.

AI: Cullen?
AI: I'm here
AI: Reading ancient legends about Zazikel
AI: And cross-referencing them with what we know of the Second Blight
AI: Are you well?
AI: Is Ci?
AI: Are you going to traumatize me with horrific pictures like Alistair?

By the time she replies, Cullen's got his window thrown open to the night air, and he's pressed himself back in the corner with a blanket over his shoulders and a dog draped over his lap. Ci makes a decent bookrest.

JJ: I could send you the awful one I sent him. It happened by accident. I haven't been able to replicate the process.
JJ: Of course, I haven't tried.

It's absurd, how his throat tightens after her first two replies. Absurd how -- how he feels. (He won't analyze it. He won't.) So of course he won't answer her first question right away. Perfectly reasonable.

Instead: the picture.

jackbootJudex sent file "actualinterestingface.jpg"

Edited 2016-06-02 03:06 (UTC)

Ysalwen studies the resultant image for a few long moments, turning her holograph-projector-book this way and that as if to make sure she doesn't miss a thing.

AI: You look like you've seen the Witch of the Wilds, or something
AI: Or maybe Ci spoke to you in Fereldan! Or . . . . Orlesian
AI: She didn't, did she?

The horror. Andraste save them all.

AI: I have a similarly ill-fated picture, if you want to see?
AI: But there are some less terrible ones, as well

JJ: If you'd like.
JJ: I believe she was expressing her indignation at being used temporarily for a footstool.

Cullen closes his eyes for a moment.

JJ: It's the middle of the night.
JJ: It's not a good one.
JJ: If you're busy, I apologize. I can do something else.

AI: Were your boots dirty at the time?
AI: I am not being serious

Cullen would never have dirty boots off the field.

Right?

AI: I'm glad you got in touch with me
AI: Nights can get very long

Serious is as serious does, but sometimes --

AI: I am about to make a terrible joke about Nathaniel and the word 'long', so be prepared
AI: Or maybe I will skip it, because no

JJ: I wasn't wearing boots.
JJ: Whatever you'd like.
JJ: I'm not accustomed to having the option to contact someone from my quarters.
JJ: I don't know what's appropriate.

AI: Given almost the entirety of the Keep's staff, guardsmen, and Wardens
AI: I probably would be unable to tell you what appropriate looks like
AI: With six committee members and a map
AI: But I can say that my dearest archivist and hairdresser has finally gotten Nathaniel to do something
AI: He kissed her hand at the end of a patrol report
AI: We all tried so hard not to snicker
AI: So that went well
AI: Speaking of unrelated instant pictures . . .

amaranthineIdeopraxist sent file "kingandcourtier.jpg"

It is a picture of an orange tabby, looking slit-eyed with pleasure, riding on the back of Liranan as he strolls along the sunniest part of the Vigil's wall.

JJ: Which one is the king, exactly?

It's a good picture. Cullen can feel himself trying to smile a little bit.

JJ: And how exactly did this work? Was she on patrol?
JJ: You don't take a hairdresser on patrol, do you?

AI: I am not allowing myself to answer that first question
AI: Because either I will be killed immediately
AI: Or be subjected to sad puppy eyes for days

Both of those are the worst fates imaginable. Or something.

AI: She was in my office quizzing Nathaniel on all the tiniest details to add to our collection of knowledge about darkspawn customs and habits
AI: And what territory they might make their way into next
AI: Not to say that she's not good with a bow, because she is
AI: But usually she's one of the ones we leave behind
AI: Both because she's got all the records and knows where everything is
AI: And because she will actually take command if it's necessary and more senior Wardens are absent
AI: And the ones we have left to get some of that training panic
AI: As new officers sometimes do.
AI: (Usually that is the point because this is a training exercise they don't know about)
AI: But on the off chance it's real, she stays behind for that, too
AI: Her name is Dagny
AI: She insists it is not Orlesian
AI: Nathaniel said he wouldn't mind if it were
AI: Which is how we all knew it was love

JJ: Perhaps you could reassure them both that they are very regal beasts.

Cullen blinks, meanwhile, trying to envision this patrol report scenario.

JJ: I am already imagining your face as I write this. Brace yourself.
JJ: Fraternization in the course of duty is a bad idea.
JJ: He did do this in public, yes?

CAI: I might, but I feel like it's better if I keep them guessing

She doesn't sigh, though she does, for a moment, pinch the skin between her eyebrows, as if to stave of an incipient headache.

CAI: In my office, yes
CAI: I was there, and Dagny, and Sigrun, and Zevran
CAI: Velanna would have been, but she was out on a different patrol
CAI: I had my feet up
CAI: The minutia-quizzing portion of the wrap-up tends to be less formal than the actual important-to-the-moment details
CAI: So I suppose my answer is yes and no

Edited 2016-06-03 19:52 (UTC)

JJ: Could be worse, then.
JJ: If he does it during inspection, that's another matter entirely.

Cullen takes a moment to rub Ci behind the ears.

JJ: I might confess, if pressed, to having sneaked into the locked viscount's office after hours with the Starkhaven templars' leadership to engage in collegial conversation in the company of a bottle of something, in a similar manner to what you describe.

CAI: Well, if we're being honest
CAI: I like that you think we have inspection
CAI: (I mean, we inspect equipment and such, but it's not on the parade ground in formation)
CAI: At best we have nine Wardens in the Vigil at a time, when anyone else is out on patrol
CAI: Generally patrols aren't in groups of less than six

She grins, though, even if Cullen can't see her.

CAI: Anyway
CAI: Collegial conversation
CAI: What kind of something did you and the Starkhaven templars like to drink?
CAI: Oghren keeps bringing dwarven ale
CAI: Which is definitely an acquired taste

Cullen resolves in this moment to never tell Ysa (though why would he?) about his recent experiences with fraternization.

JJ: Little of this, little of that.
JJ: Brandy, mostly. We prefer spirits. More efficient.
JJ: Having tried dwarven ale, I recommend literally anything else.

(Ysalwen would be pleased for him and never tease him at all)

(Seriously.)

CAI: Patrols in the Deep Roads
CAI: And occasional long encounters with the Legion of the Dead
CAI: Mean that dwarven spirits are often the easiest to obtain
CAI: It is the greatest trial of being a Warden

This is a lie. But metaphorically it is totally the worst thing.

CAI: Brandy, is it?
CAI: I will keep that in mind

Edited 2016-06-04 03:13 (UTC)

JJ: West Hill puts out a fine product, if you can get your hands on any of it.

Cullen leans his head against the wall, sighing quietly.

JJ: Shame I don't keep any in my quarters, come to think of it.

He trusts himself not to overindulge; that's not the problem. Just that he's not sure he could keep it down, and that's a waste of perfectly good liquor.

CAI: I will most definitely remember that
CAI: West Hill

She drops her hand down to rest against Liranan's head, scratching in between his ears.

It's comforting.

CAI: You haven't befriended any servants or kitchen helpers?
CAI: Or the butler, I suppose
CAI: Or whoever is in charge of stocking said spirits?
CAI: Because I'm sure they would help you find some
CAI: If you wanted
CAI: I would, but that is an incredibly difficult feat just now
CAI: So.

JJ: It's not that. I know where to get it if I want it.
JJ: Although it's true that we're not supposed to have much in the way of opulence or ostentation.
JJ: The knight-captain making a formal request for a particular brandy from Ferelden qualifies.

He can't imagine that changing under any Inquisition that Cassandra Pentaghast runs. He can't say he cares too much, either.

CAI: What is it then?
CAI: Besides not wanting to put anyone out
CAI: And maintaining the tenets of your order?

He blows out a sharp breath.

The benefit of distance, he supposes, is that he won't have to... see her expression. Or deal with -- whatever solution she tries to throw at him. Or sit through a speech that -- however genuinely well-intentioned -- ignores the fundamental complexities of his situation (and, to be fair, Cullen is shit at conveying them in casual conversation).

JJ: Dreams are worse without the lyrium.
JJ: Wake up from something worse than usual just to be sick. Third night running. Tired of it.
JJ: Waste of good brandy.

In for a copper, in for a sovereign.

JJ: Occurred to me it would be easier just to forget all this and take the damned stuff.
JJ: Decided to see if you were awake instead.

Well, that was . . .

Unexpected.

Um.

CAI: I'm almost always awake, these days.
CAI: I'm glad you talked to me.
CAI: Do you know people actually think talking about nightmares makes them better?
CAI: I call bullshit.

JJ: You will note I did not describe them.
JJ: I acknowledged that they exist.

Which, at least for Cullen, is a step forward.

JJ: I prefer the distraction of meaningful work. Or worthy conversation.

CAI: Same
CAI: Which some people might find surprising, I suppose
CAI: But here we are
CAI: I do a lot of my best research at night

See: what she's doing now.

CAI: Are we doing all right for worthiness just now?
CAI: Or is there something else that might be good to talk about?
CAI: Or interesting

Cullen considers.

One corner of his mouth turns up.

JJ: My concern about fraternization in your ranks aside --
JJ: I must admit to some prurient interest in whatever it is Dagny sees in Nathaniel.

Now is not the time to bring up how very much the Wardens are all they've got, and they're all going to die young. Or young-ish. And in those circumstances you take what happiness you can find, and hang the difficulties.

Ysalwen snickers, instead, over in her distant version of Thedas.

CAI: He's very biddable?
CAI: And maybe she likes that little tiny patch of facial hair on his chin?
CAI: And he's very sweet with babies and young children
CAI: Okay that is damning with faint praise
CAI: But I can't look at Nate that way
CAI: It makes the world feel all askew