(no subject)

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen is fine in the field. He can set up a tent, build a fire, find water safe to drink, make something edible. But he hasn't traveled enough to get the knack of what's wise to bring.

These days it makes little difference, given his status: he helps to set up camp, but there are runners and adjutants to find and fetch things. And there are few enough of them, this time -- not the massed force of the Inquisition, but a patrol's worth of soldiers and scouts and accompanying support -- that in the evenings, Cullen finds himself... restless.

It's akin to the reason he doesn't frequent the Herald's Rest, but there's no office to hide in, and no paperwork to justify staying in the tent.

At least tomorrow he and Alistair will peel off to where Honnleath used to be, to spend the night and rejoin the rest again late the following day.

(This may also contribute to his fidgeting.)

Comments

[howtoactfereldan]

A quiet laugh. "Still thought I was insufferable, I imagine."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Not insufferable," he says, still soft. His mouth quirks up. "I was glad to see you when I arrived at Skyhold. More glad to see you well. But I suppose -- after ten years, what would've been another month and a half?"

[howtoactfereldan]

"...given we're at war, potentially a great deal."

He traces small circles on Alistair's chest. "But I take your meaning. Even if I'm wondering why you're dwelling on it."

[bringspeopletogether]

"I'm not sure." A small exhalation; the smile stays put, rueful as it might be. "Picturing myself back at Skyhold, for some reason. Alone in our bed. All the embarrassingly forlorn letters I'd be sending off with the ravens. How miserable I'd be, and...how lucky I am, that I'm not."

His smile warms.

[howtoactfereldan]

"You came back," Cullen says, very softly.

[bringspeopletogether]

"Yes."

Not much louder, as -- more unconscious than not -- his arm tightens around Cullen.

[howtoactfereldan]

"The only reason I'll ever leave you behind is your own safety."

Still quiet. He curls his fingers around a fold of Alistair's shirt, as though hanging on tight.

"If I have any say in it. That's the only reason."

[bringspeopletogether]

"I know," whispers Alistair.

He touches his lips to Cullen's forehead; lingers there a moment.

[howtoactfereldan]

"Are you sure?"

Because Alistair was still planning as though Cullen would leave --

[bringspeopletogether]

"Yes," he says again. "If I'd had to stay behind this time -- I know it would've been because I wasn't ready to be back in the field. You and Bull would've assessed me fairly there."

The quirk to his mouth returns.

"I might have sulked and complained, but I know you would've been right." Cullen gets another small squeeze. "And I know you would've been doing it for my safety, in the end."

[howtoactfereldan]

He nods, curling closer.





"I can't -- describe how... happy you make me. Even those words are -- " A huff of breath. "Completely inadequate. I wish I could."

[bringspeopletogether]

Fresh warmth stirs in Alistair's chest. "I'm glad I do."

It doesn't always feel like it. Which -- that's Alistair's own thing to deal with. Sometimes he needs the reminder, like the earliest reassurances that Cullen wouldn't leave: I'm happy when I'm with you.

"That's all I want."

[howtoactfereldan]

"You don't -- it's more than that." His fist tightens in Alistair's shirt. "I think about my life before, and it's -- joyless."

His throat is tight. But it's important to say. More important than anything. "You've made me whole."

[bringspeopletogether]

Oh.

"I -- " The heat migrates higher, stinging Alistair's eyes. Before he can swallow back the question -- it sounds a little thin, owing to the sudden lump in his own throat: "How?"

At least he stops himself before saying the other part. I haven't done anything at all.

[howtoactfereldan]

"I don't remember the last time I laughed, before you. Or took -- time to sleep in, or thought it was all right not to work half the night, or -- that, that -- "

Now Cullen's voice is thin. "I wasn't -- I could ever be more to someone than a burden. Or an obstacle."

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair has no hope whatsoever of responding to that.

Overwhelmed, he wraps both arms around Cullen and buries his face in his hair.

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen clings tighter.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I just -- I wanted you to know. I know I'm not -- I'm very difficult, and I don't say what I ought to, or what I want to, and you deserve so much better."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Don't apologize." Low; a bit ragged. "You don't ever have to say you're sorry for that."

He kisses the top of Cullen's head.

"Remember what I've said? It isn't about what I deserve. It's about what I want. And I want you. Difficulties and -- not knowing the right words, and all. Always."

[howtoactfereldan]

Damned if I know why.

He says, a little choked:

"You have me, then."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Good," whispers Alistair. His next breath trembles, faintly. "I love you."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen nods. No louder: "I know. And I -- " He has to stop. Swallow. "I'm yours."

[bringspeopletogether]

He tucks his face back against Cullen's hair. Tightens his embrace, a little.

"As long as you'll have me," he says, muffled, "I'm yours as well."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Always." He clings more tightly, as if Alistair will disappear if Cullen isn't careful.

[bringspeopletogether]

A small, waterlogged laugh. "Glad that's settled then."

He runs his hand along Cullen's back, slow and comforting.

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen nods again. He hasn't yet relaxed; he'll need a moment.

"I'm sorry. I didn't -- I never want to upset you."