howtoactfereldan | (no subject)

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Cullen is fine in the field. He can set up a tent, build a fire, find water safe to drink, make something edible. But he hasn't traveled enough to get the knack of what's wise to bring.

These days it makes little difference, given his status: he helps to set up camp, but there are runners and adjutants to find and fetch things. And there are few enough of them, this time -- not the massed force of the Inquisition, but a patrol's worth of soldiers and scouts and accompanying support -- that in the evenings, Cullen finds himself... restless.

It's akin to the reason he doesn't frequent the Herald's Rest, but there's no office to hide in, and no paperwork to justify staying in the tent.

At least tomorrow he and Alistair will peel off to where Honnleath used to be, to spend the night and rejoin the rest again late the following day.

(This may also contribute to his fidgeting.)

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Cullen nods, reaching for Alistair's hand. "Good. Go to sleep."

"M'gonna try."

He weaves his fingers through Cullen's. Closes his eyes.

"That owl and I have an accord, so you know. If it hoots again it'll be breakfast. Don't go easy on it."

"Never." He squeezes Alistair's hand.

"Though I thought you'd know predators aren't good game meats."

"Desperate times, Commander." Solemn. "We're living rough."

"Eel's better than owl," he murmurs, and smooths Alistair's hair with his other hand. "I've got it taken care of. Rest."

Alistair nods. He shifts, trying to get comfortable.

Shifts again.

The tossing and turning goes on for at least fifteen minutes before he finds a comfortable position and settles into a doze -- only to twitch awake within another fifteen. He lies awake, counting his breaths, until he can lull himself back to sleep.

Two hours later he bolts awake, wild-eyed and disoriented, panting for air as he stares blindly around the tent.

Cullen still has his hand.

"Alistair." Calm; direct. "Alistair, you're safe. It's all right."

"I heard something."

Dumbly. He clutches Cullen's hand like a vise.

"I thought I..." Little by little, his gaze starts to regain more focus. He curls his free hand into the blanket; fretfully, he looks over his shoulder at the tiny cache of swords and daggers they brought along.

Cullen follows his gaze. His expression doesn't change as he brings up his other hand, cradling Alistair's one in both of his.

"I've been awake the whole time." Quiet. "I didn't hear anything. We can sit up together and listen, if you like."

Silence.

Alistair's shoulders are rigid as he presses one of them against Cullen's, and drags the blanket close to cover their laps.

He remembers to nod a moment later.

Cullen nods in response. Doesn't let go.

After a moment, he starts stroking the heel of Alistair's hand with his thumb. Only a little pressure. Slowly.

It's like clay warmed in a potter's hands, slow and steady, becoming more pliable with each touch. Alistair's whole body is still taut -- but, after a time, he puts his head on Cullen's shoulder with a quiet sigh.

Maybe it was darkspawn, remarks a nasty voice in the back of his head. Maybe that's why Cullen didn't hear anything. And now they're coming straight for the Warden they've found, ready to tear both of you apart.

Alistair's come back to himself enough to give that thought a calm kick in the shins. If it were darkspawn, he would've sensed them ages ago -- and he'd still be sensing them now.

Cullen tries not to push too hard one way or another, when Alistair wakes from nightmares. Establishing that Cullen isn't seeing what Alistair sees, but not denying that Alistair's fears are real. Not swarming him with affection, but not closing off his physical presence in any way.

(It's what he wanted, years ago. Cullen can still remember snapping you think i don't know that? and how is that knowledge supposed to help? at one of the new templars after a nightmare, in response to the man telling Cullen it wasn't real. Right before Greagoir shipped him from Kinloch to Greenfell until he could behave himself again.)

He keeps his breathing calm, deep, and even -- one of the first things they were set to learn, as recruits. His hands hold Alistair's, thumb still slowly working.

After a moment he rests his head very lightly against Alistair's.

He's too exhausted to pull any lightness into his thoughts; too buzzy with adrenaline to give voice to anything but his fear.

Bruised, and barely audible:

"What if it's like this the entire trip?"

"It hasn't been like this so far."

Still calm. Still even.

"Even at Skyhold, these nights happened. We'll be more active in the Basin. Tire ourselves out. And even if -- if -- this became a nightly occurrence -- Vivienne's out there with the Inquisitor now, and I trust her to be able to come up with something that would help."

They've never talked about it directly, but --

"She's the First Enchanter of Montsimmard. This wouldn't be the first time she's helped with someone who's had bad experiences in the Fade. That's her literal task, that goes with her rank. You have me. You have Vivienne. And in the absolute worst case, I consult with Harding and Farrow for a few days and we'll be out of here and headed home in a week or less."

Cullen's steady logic undoes a few more knots along Alistair's shoulders. He starts to relax -- until Cullen says the last thing.

Then he cringes, shoulders hunching, and mutters, "I hope it doesn't come to that."

Cullen has a job to do in the Basin. If Alistair can't hold it together -- if Cullen ever has to say sorry, I know we're trying to save the world here, but Alistair's having trouble sleeping, gotta go -- he wouldn't be able to look him in the eye for a week.

"It won't."

He squeezes Alistair's hands.

"But you need to know that it's not strictly necessary for me to oversee every little thing in the Basin. If Harding and Farrow weren't capable of meeting tactical and logistical challenges, they wouldn't be here." Beat. "And I don't want you making yourself sick over whether you're sleeping enough, and whether I or anyone else will be angry with you.. Do what you need to do.

A long beat goes by before Alistair nods, just a little. His shoulders slump.

"If I fall asleep in a strange place," he says, "like...hanging upside down from a tree branch. Just wake me and move me back to bed."

It's a weak joke, but at least it's a joke. (Sort of.)

Culllen laughs quietly.

"I'll carry you myself."

At last, the corners of Alistair's mouth lift. He lets himself close his eyes.

"Slung over your shoulder like a sack of grain?"

Still warm, still gentle:

"Nothing so undignified, I assure you."

"Good." Half-mumbled. "Got a reputation to maintain, Rutherford."

"Reputation-conscious as always."

He kisses the top of Alistair's head.

"One of us has to be."

The wan smile grows.

"You've been with the Inquisition longer," he points out. "You already have a sterling reputation. Means you never have to worry."

"I'm very good at worrying about other things," he points out, squeezing Alistair's hand.