(no subject)

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen is fine in the field. He can set up a tent, build a fire, find water safe to drink, make something edible. But he hasn't traveled enough to get the knack of what's wise to bring.

These days it makes little difference, given his status: he helps to set up camp, but there are runners and adjutants to find and fetch things. And there are few enough of them, this time -- not the massed force of the Inquisition, but a patrol's worth of soldiers and scouts and accompanying support -- that in the evenings, Cullen finds himself... restless.

It's akin to the reason he doesn't frequent the Herald's Rest, but there's no office to hide in, and no paperwork to justify staying in the tent.

At least tomorrow he and Alistair will peel off to where Honnleath used to be, to spend the night and rejoin the rest again late the following day.

(This may also contribute to his fidgeting.)

Comments

[howtoactfereldan]

A quiet laugh. "I didn't have much to do with it. We were lucky, is all."

[bringspeopletogether]

"It wouldn't have been nearly as nice without you here," he points out, amused. "Just me tromping along the shoreline all alone. Pleasant, certainly, but better when shared."

[howtoactfereldan]

"So you enjoyed it because I was there to look pretty."

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair snorts.

"Yes." He kisses Cullen's neck. "That's exactly why I enjoy having you around. Couldn't be any other reason."

[howtoactfereldan]

He sighs. "I knew it. Ah, well."

(He also arches his neck.)

"I set up camp, catch the fish, cook the fish, produce the brandy -- but my true purpose is adornment. Could be worse."

[bringspeopletogether]

"If you'd like me to embarrass you by telling you why I truly like having you around -- "

(His smile's gone crooked.)

" -- I can."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen rubs at one eye, wincing a little.

"Would it fulfill your desire for revenge?"

[bringspeopletogether]

"Not if you wouldn't enjoy it."

Softer.

"I'll be quiet."

[howtoactfereldan]

He flinches. Turns his face away.

"Do what you like. I'm sorry."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Cullen -- "

Alistair settles his palm against Cullen's cheek.

No louder: "Why are you apologizing?"

[howtoactfereldan]

"There -- there's things you want to do, and I'm... getting in the way. Of getting even. Which you ought to do if you want."

More faintly:

"I want you to get what you need from this. From me."

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair sighs, very softly.

"You said something once," he murmurs, "about how you didn't want me to feel beholden. I don't want you to feel beholden, either. All right? You don't always have to say yes to me."

He strokes his thumb along Cullen's cheek.

"You're allowed to want things for yourself. Or not want them."

[howtoactfereldan]

You're allowed to want things for yourself.

It's like a single note struck and held, in Cullen's head. It shouldn't be an epiphany.

And yet.



"Nobody's -- actually said that to me before."

Uneven.

"I'm not used to thinking like that."

[bringspeopletogether]

Oh.

Oh, Cullen.

"Then I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner," whispers Alistair. His throat's gone tight again. "Because it's true."

[howtoactfereldan]

"You know why I -- haven't." He presses the heel of his hand against his forehead. "None of this was supposed to happen. We weren't to seek wealth or acknowledgment." It has the steady rhythm of catechism. "Our lives don't belong to us. We serve. We sacrifice."

[bringspeopletogether]

"I know."

Alistair heard the same lessons. Not just in the Chantry; in the Wardens as well.

"But you're not part of the Order anymore. And forgoing wealth and acknowledgment -- that's not the same as forgoing everything."

[howtoactfereldan]

A quick breath, too bitter to be a laugh. "Isn't it? We learned -- there are different kinds of wealth. Not just gold. And acknowledgment -- Maker's breath, that isn't even an accolade. It's just acknowledgment. I'm sorry if I can't just -- get over years of training designed to make us ambulatory suits of armor. Unless you'd like to snap your fingers, give it a try?"

[bringspeopletogether]

"That isn't what I meant."

Steady; still quiet.

"I know it'll take time. I know it's not easy."

[howtoactfereldan]

"You think I want the Order to still have this kind of power over me?"

[bringspeopletogether]

"No," says Alistair, maintaining the same calm. "I know you don't."

(He pushed too hard. Maker, he should've just left it at I know and not said any of that wealth-and-acknowledgment nonsense.)

[howtoactfereldan]

He sits up, draws his knees up, rests his arms on them. "You think I like realizing I've been trained out of any possibility of a normal life? I don't. I might be a monster -- "

Cullen rubs the back of his neck.

Muttered: "But at least I've some notion of what I gave up. And why."

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair exhales.

He pushes himself upright; folds his legs, hands in his lap.





Hell with it. If he's already pushed --

"You're not a monster, Cullen."

[howtoactfereldan]

"There are several dozen dead mages who would disagree with you."

[bringspeopletogether]

The corners of his mouth tighten.

He doesn't say anything.

[howtoactfereldan]

"At least a few of them had families. That doesn't even start to touch the innocents after the Chantry explosion. Alistair, you always want to make me out as something better than I am, but you need to realize that I'm a much better judge of my own behavior. Especially when it's about things that you weren't there to witness."