howtoactfereldan | (no subject)

Well. No.

"For now."

He brushes the back of his fingers down Alistair's cheek.

A soft sigh; he closes his eyes again. "M'kay."

A beat.

"Eat...things," he adds in a mumble, wiggling a finger or three in the vague direction of the tray. "Love you."

Cullen laughs softly. "Promise. I love you, husband."

At least he can have this. No idea how long it'll last, but --

Alistair beams, sleepily. "Gonna kiss you when I wake up," he says -- though how much of that is understandable may be up for debate.

Then he's out again like a candle in a sharp breeze.

Enough. That's how much.

If Alistair is sleeping that easily, he shouldn't interfere. Slowly his smile fades.

He should get something from the tray and return to the cellars. Should check in with the guard. Should do -- lots of things.

The longer he sits here, the more likely it is he'll wake Alistair. Cullen closes his eyes for a moment, then carefully eases off the bed. Bread and cheese will do. Something simple. Easy.

An indeterminate time later, a vague discomfort nudges the back of Alistair's mind. It drifts along, drawing Alistair's attention even before it coalesces into coherent thought.

Shouldn't Cullen be in bed by now?

He was here. It was dark enough that -- in theory -- the meetings should've been over. Did he get called away again? Why didn't Alistair hear it?

His brow furrows. Alistair opens his eyes.

It's safe enough to be out on the balcony again, he supposes. Given that there is no threat from the Qun. Officially, anyway.

Cullen sits in the same spot as last night -- an unfathomable gulf of time away, it feels like. Once more he's shed the hateful tunic. For good, hopefully.

When Lavellan is dead --

Cullen closes his eyes, makes himself breathe, and begins, quietly, to recite from Transfigurations.

Alistair sits up. Glances to the balcony.

(Relaxes, visibly, at the sight of the familiar shape outside.)

Cullen's murmuring doesn't become audible until Alistair's nearly to the balcony door. He slows, stopping just outside the threshold; at least it's not Trials, he thinks as he recognizes a snatch of verse.

He doesn't interrupt. He never does when Cullen prays -- wouldn't even think of it.

Alistair might well recognize this one: it's the section sung at funerals, and in remembrance of the dead.

"...And she will know no fear of death, for the Maker
Shall be her beacon and her shield, her foundation and her sword."

Cullen rubs at his eyes, and mutters, "Except for the part with the elven gods. -- Maker's breath, and not even them."

Alistair brought up the celebratory bottle of brandy, and Cullen knows he shouldn't touch any of it, but right now it sounds better than anything he can imagine.

Not Trials, but...not much better. And then there's the aside at the end -- and Alistair wavers, briefly, wondering if he should go back to bed and pretend he didn't hear any of this.

He stays put.

"Cullen?" Soft.

He's too tired to even startle properly.

Cullen gives him a wan smile, and holds out a hand.

"There's some good news." Quietly. "And then some very bad news. But Josephine's had a response to her letter. No war with the Qun. It's a rogue Ben-Hassrath operative with people under her command. They're trying to find her."

He takes Cullen's hand, twining their fingers together as he sits beside him.

"Good." He exhales the word on a long sigh of relief. "Not -- good good, but far better than all-out war."

"Yes." He leans against Alistair -- more for comfort than out of exhaustion or anything like that.

More quietly:

"The operative has people in the Inquisition. We've been thoroughly infiltrated. And -- the Anchor has caught up with Lavellan. It's consuming her. She doesn't have much time."

"Oh, no."

Barely audible.

Alistair lets go of Cullen's hand, but only to put an arm around him, drawing him closer.

Eventually his thoughts will circle back to the first bit -- we've been thoroughly infiltrated -- but he's too struck by the news about Lavellan. He never thought of the Anchor like the Joining, granting you a way to fight the darkness until it destroys you from the inside out. He's seen more than one Warden-Commander off to the Deep Roads. It never gets easier, watching your leaders die one by one from the very thing that keeps Thedas safe.

And Lavellan, what she means to Cullen, everything she gave him --

He shuts his eyes, leaning his forehead against the side of Cullen's.

"Who knows what will happen now."

No louder. He's finally allowing himself to sound nearly as exhausted as he feels.

"Both factions are aware of the Qunari threat. They don't know about -- about the Inquisitor. Nobody's put the pieces together about the missing servants, but -- " Cullen presses the heel of one hand into his eye. "They'll try to carve us apart for their own purposes. Pick over the carcass before she's cold."

Hand drops. "At least she took Sera with her, this last time."

Alistair breathes out; nods.

(Maker. Sera. Did she know the Anchor was eating Lavellan alive? Is that why -- ?

Andraste's ass, can't any of them get a moment's peace?)

"There's no way to contain the Anchor?"

"The only one who knew anything about it was Solas." Cullen sounds a little bewildered. "Lavellan hasn't -- who was she supposed to ask? She never talked about it. Never brought it up."

"I don't know." A little helplessly. "Maybe someone -- I don't know."

Maybe if she'd talked about it. Maybe if Solas were still here. Unconsciously, Alistair tightens his embrace.

"Can't believe I actually want Solas around right now. Maker."

Low: "The other option was sending to Tevinter for someone who might know something. Like throwing a deer to the wolves. Out of the question."

"Completely," he agrees, no louder.

And then, fervent, but still quiet: "Damn it."

Under other circumstances, Cullen might try to say something sardonic. Might try to put on a stiff upper lip.

Nobody's watching except Orlesian gossips, and it's not as though they can do any more harm than what's assuredly coming.

"The miracles had to run out some time." He leans in against Alistair. "And the other thing she's uncovered -- she doesn't even have her gods with her. The Qunari say they're blaming the whole thing on agents of Fen'Harel -- who was real. With the rest of them. Elven magisters, who turned tyrant, before Tevinter ever existed. She's going to her death knowing everything her people taught her is a lie."

That's --

Barely audible: "Oh Maker."

It's a cruelty beyond comprehension; a betrayal too deep to fathom. The mere idea of it settles over Alistair like a weight and drags his gut lower. And to have it happen right when Lavellan might be trying to seek comfort in the face of her impending death?

There has to be some way to fix this, he thinks blindly, knowing very damn well there isn't. Won't ever be.

"With all luck she'll be too busy knifing the Ben-Hassrath to feel it," Cullen mutters.

A comfort so cold it isn't any comfort at all.

Alistair can't say anything. There's nothing to be said. Eyes burning, he leans his head atop Cullen's, watching the landscape below without seeing much.

"I suppose." His voice is thick. "There's little point in... staying on call. Like I've been all day."